How to Pick a Relationship Coach

If you Google "relationship coach," you'll find hundreds of websites, Instagram grids, and Google business profiles to choose from. How on Earth should you go about selecting the right coach for you? As someone who's hired coaches for everything from career help to spiritual growth, I know firsthand how hard it is to find the right person.

And in the case of relationship coaching, you're placing your love life in their hands, arguably the most important relationship you'll have in your life.

There are three main principles to keep in mind if you're ready to hire a relationship coach: 1) rapport with the coach, 2) appropriate qualifications, and 3) the type of coaching you need.

rapport

Rapport is a feeling of trust and safety. Progress in coaching is only made when we can be fully transparent and honest with our coach. We have to feel comfortable enough to reveal our whole experience of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Having hired coaches throughout my adult life (and therapists, too!), I can say that the most progress I've ever made has been with coaches that I felt I could be really real with.

A great coach will be a safe place for all emotions and all experiences. They may need to refer out to a therapist or other specialist if they are noticing symptoms of depression or anxiety, but they won't reject or try to change how we feel.

Your coach should also have a clear philosophy about relationships and dating that aligns with your goals. For example, I'm not the kind of dating coach that helps you put together a profile or come up with good conversation topics. I'm the kind of dating coach that helps you figure out what's keeping your love life stuck.

If you're looking for a couple's coach, both clients need to have rapport with the coach. If one of you is not fully bought in, find another. (Or better yet, have a conversation with the coach about it - sometimes that yields interesting progress in itself!)

Qualifications

Someone who looks like they have a great dating life or marriage on Instagram is not necessarily a good relationship coach. A lot of people are good at looking like they're good, not actually good. Coaching is a skill set that involves high levels of empathy, authority, intuition, and open-mindedness.

Coaching is also an attitude, which is a large part of what makes it different from therapy. A therapist's job is to diagnose and treat illness. But a coach's job isn't to be the expert who makes you feel better, it's to be partnered with you in a journey to your Self.

Coaches believe that you have the answers you need. We're experts at asking the right questions at the right time.

There is no governing body for coaches. Anyone can call themselves a coach, without even a certification. When searching for a coach, ensure that they have valid certifications, can provide references, and are involved in professional communities.

Type of coaching

There are all kinds of coaching, and if you're looking for a relationship coach, you want to pick one with the background and qualifications that suits your needs.

I was first exposed to coaching with the cognitive-behavioral model, and I started my coaching career there. While this had an immense impact on me in the first few years, as I grew older, I needed a very different approach. I tried somatic and parts work coaching, and they were helpful to a degree, but it was Jungian depth coaching that really shifted my life.

I'm clearly biased, but here is a breakdown of each of these models.

Jungian Coaching:

• Deeply spiritual: Based on the process of individuation, of becoming more and more authentic so that we can express our soul's purpose.

• Shadow work: Embraces triggers as an opportunity to see the way our mind works. Focused on reclaiming qualities we rejected when we were younger.

• Emotion-focused: Welcomes emotions as energy to be curious about and channeled into action at the right time.

• Relationships as a container for individuation: Believes that each soul has a unique destiny to play out. The relationships we choose are often the perfect practice ground for uncovering our purpose.

• Conflict as a mirror. While most relationship coaching focuses on conflict as a communication or attachment issue, we see conflict as a mirror of our own mind.

• Archetypes: Prominent archetypes we work with are the Shadow and Persona, the Anima (Yin) and Animus (Yang), and the Mother and Father. Building relationships with these archetypes improves our outer and inner relationships.

• Dream work: Our dreams are windows into our unconscious. Learning to interpret and work with them deepens our understanding of our path forward.

Traditional Models

Cognitive-Behavioral Model: This type of coaching is based on examining and changing thoughts, narratives, and habits, helping to develop a functional, strong ego. Working on limiting beliefs and communication is common in this type of coaching, and it's ideal for people who are under 30.

Somatic Model: This type of coaching is focused on feeling and sensation. This is ideal for people who have difficulty feeling and expressing emotion, who have unmanageable stress, or who have chronic pain. Breath work, grounding exercises, and movement practices are commonly used in this kind of coaching. Parts Work Model: This type of coaching is a splinter of Jungian coaching. It uses imagination exercises to differentiate and develop relationships with unconscious aspects of our psyche. Inner Child work is prominent in this kind of coaching, as is Internal Family Systems.

Whatever theoretical model of coaching you think might be right for you, ensure any coach you hire can provide references, has a valid certification that includes a Code of Ethics, and that they remain connected to professional organizations for coaches.

Want to get a taste of what Jungian depth coaching is like? Get my free workbook Triggered No More! In it, you'll learn the basics of making what is unconscious conscious, and you'll work through a deep exercise you can use any time to grow from your triggers.

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