How to Work with Emotions in Relationship & Dating

Part Three of the Coaching Client Series.

In our previous Coaching Client posts, we covered the basics of Shadow work (the role of the Persona, Shadow, and recognizing and retrieving our projections) and the importance of non-attachment. These two principles and practices set us up for the next phase of getting beyond our triggers: emotional integration. Working with emotions in relationships and dating can be intimidating. Here's what you can expect!

Many of us have learned to dismiss our emotions as irrational or pointless, and I can definitely relate! I am a classic intellectualizer: I will do just about anything in order to understand something logically rather than really feel the discomfort (and sometimes pain) of an emotion.

The problem is that emotions don't respond well to intellectualizing, or any other form of suppression. In fact, pushing them underground, into the unconscious, makes them more powerful and destructive.

"There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion."

-Carl Jung

what are emotions?

Simple answer: emotions are energy. All emotions have a charge to them, and we feel them as sensations in our head, throat, chest, or belly. Our strongest emotions are tied to memories, many of them not conscious, and these emotions are accompanied by narratives we created to make sense of the world.

For example, if we grew up in a large household where we had to fight to be heard, seen, or get what we needed, we might interpret that experience as, "other people will always try to take what's yours," or "there's not enough to go around." If we grew up parentified, we might interpret that experience as, "my purpose is to take care of others," or "if I don't take care of others' emotions, something bad will happen."

Every one of us carries dozens of these narratives. This is where Jungian depth coaching differs from traditional coaching models. Instead of working to change the narratives, which are just below the surface of the conscious mind (you can uncover them just by noticing your thoughts and habits), we work with the emotions that created the narratives.

In doing this, the narratives no longer matter. We're addressing the root cause instead of the symptom.

What Does Emotional Work Look Like?

When we work with emotions, we're striving for a balance between feeling them fully (vs suppressing) and observing them from our Pure Awareness, our higher, non-judgmental mind (vs getting swept away by them).

When we get carried away by our emotions, we tend to do damage to our relationships. Our anxiety can cause us to become controlling, driving our partner away. Our anger can cause us to lash out, hurting our partner. Our disappointment or sadness can lead to disconnecting from our partner, ending the relationship unnecessarily.

When we suppress our emotions, they will find a way to be expressed, often at extremely inopportune times.

Case Study

I worked with a man named Colin (name changed and permission given) who had a really hard time owning his anger. A girlfriend from his early 20s had cheated on him, and this experience colored all of his subsequent relationships. Mistrust and anxiety were present, but underneath was a deep anger.

In the time we worked together, all of the classic signs of suppressed anger arose:

• Heartburn and high blood pressure,

• Passive-aggressiveness in the form of not keeping agreements with his boss or not returning phone calls from family members,

• He had an extremely harsh Inner Critic,

• Rare but explosive bursts of anger that felt completely out of his control, and

• He encountered aggressive people in his outside life regularly. On one memorable occasion, he passive-aggressively cut someone off while driving, and they followed him, screaming and honking their horn for several miles out of their way.

It was this last experience that really nailed home for him how important it was to actually deal with his anger. We know that the people and situations that show up in our lives are mirroring our own mind. He got curious and asked, "What is this telling me about me?"

To work with Colin's anger, we started by just holding space for the feeling in his body. Anytime it felt too intense, we took breaks, but with practice he was able to feel the anger while also observing it from his Pure Awareness. This actually led Colin to discover that underneath the anger was an even deeper emotion: shame.

We repeated the process with this deeper emotion, and Colin integrated his ability to feel both. Instead of acting out passive-aggressively, he began to find more enjoyment at work and with his family. His health improved and he stopped having explosive outbursts of anger. When Colin experiences anger or shame now, he has the confidence to express what he needs and take care of himself.

When we suppress or are swept away by our emotions, we're not able to act from our Pure Awareness, our aligned and fearless Self. Our reactions are born from our early experiences instead of what is right in front of us, and invariably, we create exactly what we fear.

exercises for emotions

Some of the exercises we use for working with emotions in and out of coaching sessions are:

• Guided meditations like Pure Awareness,

• Nervous system regulation practices,

• Emotional Power Integration, a unique practice of inquiring into a feeling to understand and integrate the fear underneath,

• Active Imagination, and

• Creative outlets like drawing or writing.

There's no absolute prescription for emotional integration. What we do depends on where we are that day, week, or phase of life. The important piece to take away is that we are always striving to detach from the narratives our emotions carry, to observe our experiences with openness and curiosity instead of judgment, and to feel our emotions and build relationships with them.

Clients, have you logged into your Member Portal yet? Remember, you have free access to the online courses in The Emotional Hotness Package!