Three Tips For Dealing With Conflict Avoidance

I was conflict avoidant for most of my life. Within every romantic relationship, I did everything I could to avoid bringing up my hurt feelings: I rationalized why my feelings were wrong, I worked at being "understanding," and I withdrew, waiting for my partner to realize something was wrong and ask about me. (Ugh, that one is still embarrassing!)

But I couldn't hold the resentment or hurt forever. When it did come out, I was calm and rational as I laid out what was happening for me and what I needed. I made sure that my "argument" was airtight, and that I demonstrated understanding their perspective so I could get what I needed without having to fight for it.

Guess what? I never just got what I wanted. I was met with defensiveness. And when they got defensive, I inevitably caved. I learned to deny my expectations and needs in a relationship. I learned to stop listening to my hurt feelings and concern. They never went away; they just went underground, where they festered as deep dissatisfaction and grief.

Every one of those relationships ended because I couldn't have the conflict with them (or with me), that needed to happen.

Are you conflict avoidant? Is your partner? Read this post to get my top tips for how to overcome conflict avoidance.

What is Conflict Avoidance Psychologically?

Conflict avoidance is characterized by:

• Rationalizing away concerns, hurt feelings, or needs to keep the peace, and

• Fear of a partner's anger, hurt, sadness, disagreement, or disappointment.

We learn to avoid conflict from an early age, based on experiences with our caregivers. We may have watched our parents sweep things under the rug and pretend things were fine, or we may have seen our parents fight and decide, "I'll never be like that."

We may have had conflict with our parents that wasn't repaired or navigated lovingly, and so we've learned to fear it. Emotionally distant families can produce conflict avoidant kids: we might have learned to accept breadcrumbs of connection and fear disconnection.

Sometimes we are conflict avoidant because we don't know when our hurt feelings are justified or not, and we assume that if we can't justify our hurt, then we don't deserve to bring it up. This is a product of learning that our feelings can be "wrong." I have good news: whatever you feel can't be "wrong," because it's how you feel. (Learn more about working with emotions in this post.)

What is Conflict Avoidance Spiritually?

Conflict has an important spiritual function in our lives: it shows us where there are sticking points on the path to following our soul's purpose.

When we're triggered by our partner, it's an opportunity to see something about ourselves that is currently hidden from us. Each trigger is our soul flagging some quality or situation that has a precious pearl of wisdom. Working with our triggers is a major component of soul work.

When we avoid conflict, we're not working with our triggers. We're managing them. And in managing them, instead of facing them, we actually sidestep the path our soul is inviting us to walk. And this leads to feeling stuck or trapped, bitterness, and/or frustration.

three tips for overcoming conflict avoidance

Number One: Notice Your Patterns.

The first step is to notice our patterns when we're avoiding conflict. Do we hide our hurt or angry feelings? Do we rationalize behavior that hurts us? Do we become passive-aggressive? Do we pretend that things are fine?

Write down:

• What thoughts arise when you feel hurt or angry,

• What feelings happen in your body,

• What emotions are present, and

• What your behavior pattern is.

Building this awareness helps us notice in real time when we might be avoiding conflict.

Number Two: Gently Inquire the Part That's Scared of Conflict

Curiosity is key for transforming our relationship with conflict. Judging ourselves for feeling afraid of conflict creates inner hostility, which isn't helpful. Approaching our tender parts with non-attachment works wonders. Gently inquire:

• What is the worst-case scenario I'm imagining will happen if I bring this up?

• What does this remind me of from my younger years (0-7)?

• Why is that scenario so scary to me?

• If I avoid this forever, what do I imagine that will be like for me?

We might find that sadness or grief arise at this point. If that happens, it's Ok - take gentle care, allow the tears to flow, and know that it's right to feel whatever you're feeling. It will pass, as all feelings do.

Number Three: Build Something New

Avoiding conflict is really about avoiding something we fear, something we think will cause us pain. If our mind is focused on avoiding what we fear, we inevitably create what we fear. So, let's turn our attention to what we do want to create:

• What do you want to feel during conflict?

• What will it mean about you to feel that way?

• Who must you become in order to achieve this?

These questions are a critical component of great coaching. We don't need to circle the understanding and insights forever - we have to provide our minds with something new to pay attention to.

Are you looking for more prompts to help you grow? My free workbook Triggered No More is exactly for this! Click the button below to get it!

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